Not Redundant

The title of this post is not redundant.

My superpower was the ability to drink as much as I wanted without suffering from hangovers. Yes, it was… something happened this year: I was so unwell that I might have suffered the accumulation of decades of overindulgence. And ever since other previously unknown effects are catching up also. 

Maybe that is just how aging works. 

Maybe I’m aging all at once and very quickly. 

How many more posts am I writing on this blog? 

This should be a birthday post…

 …but it isn’t. 

It feels off…

It feels uneasy…

…as if something bad is about to happen.

I do not mean to explain what anxiety fears.

I do not mean to understand how regret concerns.

Earlier I lost track of time looking at the void while I pressed my index fingernail hard against the cuticle on my thumb until it left a deep indentation. It bled a little. It hurt, but not as much as it hurts inside. 

Gaslight your therapist, I say. 

…and I keep smiling.