Hedonistic decision

I’ll start by saying that decisions might all be motivated by hedonism. Let’s ignore: anxiety, regret, hindsight, and sobriety. How far can you put your hand on the flame before there is no return? Every decision is permanent, even the temporary ones. Everything is temporary, if you give it enough time… or permanent, if you stop tracking, I guess. 

This do let have to contextualised to make sense - think of the chaos theory. I’d have to be a megalomaniac to think that the effect I have on people could change one’s life. Maybe it starts small, unconscious, but it’s there. 

What would I do if there were absolutely no consequences? 

It is.

Every day feels like it just isn’t right. 

It is just not. 

Even if it seems. 

But in the end, it is all at once. 

Welcome to myself. 

Not Redundant

The title of this post is not redundant.

My superpower was the ability to drink as much as I wanted without suffering from hangovers. Yes, it was… something happened this year: I was so unwell that I might have suffered the accumulation of decades of overindulgence. And ever since other previously unknown effects are catching up also. 

Maybe that is just how aging works. 

Maybe I’m aging all at once and very quickly. 

How many more posts am I writing on this blog? 

This should be a birthday post…

 …but it isn’t. 

It feels off…

It feels uneasy…

…as if something bad is about to happen.

I do not mean to explain what anxiety fears.

I do not mean to understand how regret concerns.

Earlier I lost track of time looking at the void while I pressed my index fingernail hard against the cuticle on my thumb until it left a deep indentation. It bled a little. It hurt, but not as much as it hurts inside. 

Gaslight your therapist, I say. 

…and I keep smiling.